Look at me, all grown up :)

There's an eerie narrow stretch of road connecting the recently spread Golf-Club two-way and the winding lanes to the I.T. park traffic lights. Until recently it was pretty infamous for Saturday night accidents, booze, women, either or both always thrown in . It's almost always dark, makes a perfect making out spot and since it's a stone's throw from the backside of the Lake, and an another stone's throw from Kabir, Scared Heart and Johns, making out conjures adrenaline and suctions blood to and from your entire body, leaving fingertips numb and cold, and the insides under the ribs shaky and threatening to displace.
I drove on this dark, teasing connect today. Alone, so let's rule out any degree of making out. On the backseat of the car rested the M.B.A study material, lopsided and at a moments race away from hitting the mats, and I, was strangely very aware of it. And so as I drove over the overtones of black occasionally swept along the trees that ran aside the black tar, with "I'm leaving on a jet plane" playing at a volume of 20 on the disc, one of those regular thought pangs hit me.

There's something wrong with me. Majorly. I thought I could fight it or just deny it, but I can't seem to, so I'll just sit here and work it through.

1)Why, do I, need a relationship : When I was a kid, and even no ones were going out with someone, I often got my book out, gritted my teeth, and laughed at them. I never understood why people need to go out. It could either be an emotional want or plain sex. I was extremely scared of sex and since I had a sky rocketing self esteem then, which would experience scheduled hurls from everyone lest it lean, neither of the alternatives ever made substantial sense.
And then, I grew up. Puberty happened. The check against the sex column began to appear less and less appropriate and over time it developed into an actual consideration. And so I decided I needed a relationship to get some action, but since none of my friends were getting any, peer pressure seemed to depress the entire urge than to encourage it.

2) Where do I go wrong in them : Before I knew where things headed and after stints that lasted from a few possibly imagined glances to some long on-off years, I realised I was in P.E.C with a self esteem that dropped like a pin. With a brilliant rebel/turncoat/renegade mood fitting every occasion, I wanted a relationship to prove a point that I can do it, more times than most, and that too better while at it. And since I could do with some reassurance, and some unconditional support, an emotional scaffold appeared interesting nevertheless.
And so relationships reduced to the exhausting chases, the well-contrived and hardly meant asking out, a big genuine blank in thought while in it, and the most exciting and public closures while at a breakup. Also, the one who gets in a relationship first after the breakup wins some weird sort of a tacit imaginary contest, which if you take my word can be very very damaging. After breaking up at one place, and searching for a relationship to come out tops, I ended up almost going back to the prior party to win yet again when the other went to the dumps. Point is, it's a vicious circle, no one's a winner because the contest never ends unless of course you find the love of your life and get married or some similar bullshit.

3) Involving friends a lot : A girl, either brings together a group of friends and burls up bonds or just kills them. The deciding factor here always is the extent to which one involves his friends in a relationship. If they're well informed, are regular visitors in your relationship and are given sufficient attention to, the latter option hardly ever sees a happening. However either overindulging them or neglecting them completely can destroy everything.
Talking about me- I love my friends and I know they're to stay for long while no girl can. Now that never works out for everyone, especially women since they always live on hope of eternal unconditional love, but it is kinda true, even if not very optimistic. And so my friends are really really involved always, make decisions for me, and that turns out to be a mess. But I guess this is one point we wont work on, since these bastards are kinda important.

4) Lack of motivation : Now this is what it all comes down to. This is where the secrets of the shadowy lane tailing sukhna lake helps me get through shit. I'll just put up some lyrics that inspired a nauseous mood:


a) Theres so many times Ive let you down
So many times Ive played around
I tell you now, they dont mean a thing
Every place I go, Ill think of you
Every song I sing, Ill sing for you
When I come back, Ill bring your wedding ring

b) Well all I really wanna do is love you,
A kind much stronger than friends use,
But I still can't say it after all we've been through,
All I really want for you is to feel me,
As I feeling inside keeps building,
And I would find a way to you if it kills me,

c) Every kiss I can't forget
This aching heart ain't broken yet
Oh God I wish I could make you see
Cuz I know this flame isn't dying
So nothing can stop me from trying

d)I've been a bad, bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy just because she can


The point I'm trying to make here is, the first three excerpts above make me want to throw up while the last one just makes me chuckle. I lack motivation to see myself through a real actual relationship for people don't pursue it as a ploy for any weird kind of a rebellion or a paraphernalia to make life more exciting or get elements of television sitcoms in their life.
People pursue relationships for love. Now that is one thing I have very little idea about, but I'm sure that's what they all are looking for, and that's one easy answer to the conundrum I've been annoying myself with over sometime now.

And so we hereby infer, relationships are not for sex. They're not any support system for the emotionally retarded. They're just some weird way of caring and about regular repetitive gestures to make it visible that you do care. It's about blunt unapologetic cheesiness, about saying really creepy lines that initially do make most of us barf, but eventually grows on everyone and we begin to like it, worse start looking forward to it. It's about having a partner as a twitter account that you keep updating regularly, either via calls/messages/mails on what you're doing and how you're doing it and why, even at times when it seems pointless to the extent of annoying.

I'm not very proud of ranting this much, but regular rounds of really weird relationships in 10 frikkin months does that to you.

So well that's what's been up.